Saturday, January 16th 2010-
The rain has fallen, the storm has passed, and at last the dust is finally starting to settle. I survived the surgery and even seem to be doing better with the recovery. Life is beginning to take hold again. Now is when the fun finally begins again. The everyday, run of the mill things that I have missed so much. The life that I have yearned to get back to. Everything is so much sweeter now and that includes fun. I'm thinking that should be part of the whole brain surgery deal :)
I didn't realize what a recluse I had become. I think it was part of my coping mechanism. That's what I'm going with anyway :) It wasn't a conscious decision I remember making, but it was made all the same. I simply did not want at any point to have to publicly admit the tumor was there, that it was real. At the time, I could not, in my mind, afford the luxury of admitting it was there, of acknowledging the truth, or being scared. I could not afford to face the enormity of it. I had only one option, and that had to be to press forward however I was able to. I guess for me that was a little bit of avoidance :) (Got that from psych. class) Not that I could completely avoid it, it was large and pressing on my brain :) I did my darndest (a Francis word) to though. I got pretty good at it too :) I did, what I had to do.
Life is pretty dang good now. (Pardon the slang) I have more energy and have been incredibly blessed with a new lease on life. No longer a recluse, I'm not even shy about the huge scar on my head anymore. The hair that was shaved is growing back. The stitches are gone. The scar is healing. I can even manage to go out without a hat on now if I apply the correct 'swoop' motion with my hair over that area :) And if it does show...it's ok. You won't catch me fretting over my battle scar. The swelling in my face is almost completely gone now too. So I'm feeling less and less like Jolly Old Saint Nick, which for me, is GREAT! After a little more time there won't be any viewable physical evidence of what has plagued my life for the last few months. These are huge accomplishments for this Brain Tumor Chick :)
When things are still and quiet I find myself feeling this area of my head and all the changes that have occurred. It's not the same, it doesn't feel the same. Thankfully I have thick hair so no one but me will ever be the wiser. It lumpy and uneven. You can tell where the skull was removed and then reapplied, which was a little more than half my head. In places the scar is more raised than others. Sometimes I simply walk past a mirror in my house with my hair pulled back and it catches my eye. I can't yet keep walking. I have to stop and examine it. I have to stop and see what changes have taken place that day. In a way it's getting to know my new head. It is, right now, a tumor-less head! That is something I now take a lot of inner pride in, it's something I survived and lived to tell about.
The getting back to normal part didn't come as easy as I thought. I am still me and find more of 'me' in myself everyday. But the day I got diagnosed I somehow instantly knew that life would never be the same. I could never be untumorfied (yes, that's right I made that word up). From that day forward I would be a Brain Tumor Chick. I've said many times before that this would never go away and I now believe that more than ever. I have, although, been pleasantly surprised by the change in outlook I have now. Maybe, just maybe Brain Tumor Chick isn't so bad. Maybe I can 'rock' this thing after all :)
Life goes on, the world keeps turning, and I too keep going. I can't say yet that there has been a day that I haven't thought about the tumor, about Egore. It's usually during my workout that it completely consumes my thoughts. It's then that I'm able to reflect on all that has happened, all that I've gone through and all that has changed. I can do that without tears now (most of the time). I definitely don't think of it in the same way. That too has changed. Fear no longer sweeps over me at the thought of it. Complete sadness no longer takes hold. I'm still not to the point that I'm thankful for Egore or the experience yet but I would say that we're at peace with each other, my brain and I :) If that makes any sense :)
So that's my progress so far :) I'm now ok with my huge scar, dented head (that you really can't see) and my brain and I are at peace with each other! This is my crazy Brain Tumor Chick Life...I love it!