Sunday, November 8, 2009

From the Diary of a Brain Tumor Chick

Wednesday, October 28th 2009

This was my reality day. I woke up and knew I had to get going. I bit the bullet, I looked it up online. It scared the *&@% out of me, but I did it. I felt the need to know everything I could. What is that quote, "Knowledge is power" and I needed power. I researched all I could about the tumor, doctors, you name it. I even signed up for some online brain tumor support groups. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd say) I made phone calls to physicians, to my insurance company to my 'essentials', and to the mayo clinic until my phone battery simply went dead from exhaustion. (I wasn't far behind)

I made my first concession to Egore...I withdrew from one of my college courses, to try to help lighten the load and made the decision to keep my other two classes. (I have A's and they are hard won A's...I simply cannot give them up yet)

I made plans, made decisions...this very much helped my family. I think they all thought I had lost my mind sitting on the couch, watching my movies the day before :) Maybe I did, They were relieved and I was scared out of my mind, but scared into action at least.

Robert stayed home with me again. I still couldn't bear to be alone. I guess to him too...this was emergency enough.

I couldn't yet say the words out loud at this point. I didn't mind people knowing. I just couldn't say it myself. This is where I relied on my family and their vast networking skills, just so I didn't have to say it out loud. Not yet. I was still slightly in my cocoon...in my world and was not yet willing to leave it. My 'essentials' sheltered me, from reactions, from sadness, and from reality a little. They felt helpless, but they'll never know how much these simple acts meant at this time.

I have a brain tumor. My brain tumor, Egore, does not have me. Ironic as this sounds I can still not wrap my brain tumor filled brain around the fact that I, Francis Brock Spann, have a stinking brain tumor! Is this real?!

7 comments:

Haleyuns said...

Love all these journal entries! I hate that a brain tumor is the thing that finally got you to blog!! :(

toripiercy said...

Francis, thank you for sharing all of this with everyone. You are so special and amazing and STRONG!

The Nielson Family said...

Yes, I agree with Lois. Once Egore is disposed of, I'll make you a blog without a brain at the top :)

critts said...

Francis, thanks for sharing your thoughts! Please know you are in mine and Marcus's prayers. I love you like family and am praying hard for you. I admire your strength and humor throughout this process. I love the blog, Lindsay did a fabulous job! And the pictures are beautiful.

The Webbs said...

Hey, I love your journal entries, and really glad you shared them with us. Yes, I really did want to know what you were thinking those first couple of days, I can't even imagine. And yes, after that first day I thought we were going to have to make your appointments and come pick you up off the couch and drive you there (not that I would mind at all) but you got into survival mode and you rock! I love you! Farris

beccalouise said...

Thank you for being inspirational. You are in my prayers. Strength like you are showing reminds me that there is no trial we are given that we aren't equipped to handle, and you are living proof!
--Rebecca (Horst) Campbell

Jason Koertge said...

It seems surreal to me too. I know it is real, but it seems so weird. It seems so impossible, one of those "it would never happen to me or my bff" kind of things. I love you. You can have some of my brain if you need any. from ashley p. r. koertge