Wednesday, October 28th 2009
This was my reality day. I woke up and knew I had to get going. I bit the bullet, I looked it up online. It scared the *&@% out of me, but I did it. I felt the need to know everything I could. What is that quote, "Knowledge is power" and I needed power. I researched all I could about the tumor, doctors, you name it. I even signed up for some online brain tumor support groups. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd say) I made phone calls to physicians, to my insurance company to my 'essentials', and to the mayo clinic until my phone battery simply went dead from exhaustion. (I wasn't far behind)
I made my first concession to Egore...I withdrew from one of my college courses, to try to help lighten the load and made the decision to keep my other two classes. (I have A's and they are hard won A's...I simply cannot give them up yet)
I made plans, made decisions...this very much helped my family. I think they all thought I had lost my mind sitting on the couch, watching my movies the day before :) Maybe I did, They were relieved and I was scared out of my mind, but scared into action at least.
Robert stayed home with me again. I still couldn't bear to be alone. I guess to him too...this was emergency enough.
I couldn't yet say the words out loud at this point. I didn't mind people knowing. I just couldn't say it myself. This is where I relied on my family and their vast networking skills, just so I didn't have to say it out loud. Not yet. I was still slightly in my cocoon...in my world and was not yet willing to leave it. My 'essentials' sheltered me, from reactions, from sadness, and from reality a little. They felt helpless, but they'll never know how much these simple acts meant at this time.
I have a brain tumor. My brain tumor, Egore, does not have me. Ironic as this sounds I can still not wrap my brain tumor filled brain around the fact that I, Francis Brock Spann, have a stinking brain tumor! Is this real?!