Sunday, November 29th 2009
It has felt like this day would never come. Even though it has only been a little over a month since diagnosis day, in lots of ways it has dragged since then.
I felt helpless. Unempowered to do anything but ride this brain tumor wave. My only option was to medicate the severe pain, try hold off the seizures and deal with the severe emotions of not being normal. It felt awful. I'm not a person who has to be in control all the time. I really enjoy flying by the seat of my pants, but in this last month there has been very few moments where I was in control of anything. My only request that I have demanded be followed is that my beautiful children not get sucked up into the details of all this. I am happy to know they have been spared the ugliness of my brain tumor named egore.
I have thought about this day in my mind over and over again. How scared and fragile I would be. How difficult it would be to even present myself to the world. How incredibly emotional I would feel. I really am shocked. I am anxious. I am nervous. But the pit in my stomach is very much smaller than I thought it would be. I am not going to lie. I have been a mess. A few days ago I was not fit to deal with much of anyone. All emotional strength was reserved for my beautiful boys and that was it.
I know feel energized. Ready for this to be over. Ready to be on the downhill of this hurdle. Or at the very least at the top (on the way down). I feel somewhat in control. The time has finally come that I can do something about this brain tumor and it feels good.
I'm quite sure that as they did on the day I was diagnosed my 'essentials' think I have lost touch with reality. That I am masking emotion on the inside. Surprise, surprise I'm not. I really am as good as I seem. Maybe all the emotions have been spent. All the anxiety gone. Maybe I have agonized over this situation enough for me and ten other people :)
I know for a fact that it has a lot to do with the vast amount of prayers in behalf of me and my family. I can't tell you how much I believe in the power of prayer and good thoughts. I have received so many and I'm hoping they continue as this battle to recover from egore begins.
I'm excited. I can't wait. Bring Recovery On!
I have a brain tumor...and it's coming out tomorrow! :)