Tuesday, November 10th 2009
I received my upcoming Mayo Clinic schedule in the mail yesterday and in all honesty it made it all too real. You know there are times that I've actually forgotten all that I'm going through even if it's just moments. There is something about seeing it in black and white that brings it all back. I leave on Sunday. Have literally a butt-load of tests (I know horrible grammar, but hell I have a brain tumor. If you can't speak improperly now when can you :) that last from approximately 7am until around 5pm for 4 days straight. I should be sufficiently magnetized, radiated, drained of all blood and bodily fluids and blind from the intense lights of the visual fields tests when I finally leave to come home on Thursday. Oh and I'll also know everything there is to know about my heart. Which I'm sure those are all good things that they're doing but all it means to me right now is that much closer to taking half my skull off to dig this tumor out. And that to me is both the extremely scary part and the part I'm most anxious for. If that makes any since at all.
I'm anxious for it to all be done. To be in recovery and working towards getting back to life. I'm scared to death of the surgery, of waking up and somehow being impaired. Of not being able to get back to my normal life.
I guess it's just like everything else, a fear of the unknown. Of how things will turn out? Isn't that just life though. I can't think of one important event in my life that hasn't been the slightest bit scary. Maybe the fear keeps you on your toes :) Maybe the fear is healthy as long as you stay above it?! I am staying above it! I can't wait to go back to my nice, quiet, simple life! it makes me love my brain surgeon all the more.
and yes...i have a brain tumor!