Tuesday, November 17th 2009
You know...I was dreading this trip to Jacksonville and all the appointments that went along with it. In my mind, before I left, all that this trip equaled was getting me closer to having my brain operated on. So not a fun thought. I was terrified. I still am. The fact is the surgery is getting closer. But, (as I've said before there's always a but) this trip has been rejuvenating. I feel like I've found a bit of me again.
I knew the instant I was diagnosed with this brain tumor, named Egore, that my life would never be the same. I knew instantly how incredibly fragile my world really was and I haven't lost sight of that. It's something most 30 year olds don't have the opportunity to learn. I've been through a range of extreme emotions since Tuesday, October 27th. Most of which I have suffered privately with, but a few of you had the unfortunate opportunity to have been too much of a witness for.
I've been sad. I think that came first. Sad for myself. For my children and what this could possibly mean for them. I have shed more than my fair share of sad tears. I can say with all honesty that I have yet to ask "Why me" but I have done a good bit of "how did this happen". The sadness comes on instantly with no warning, usually while watching my children do something amazing. It engulfs me to the core. I feel my eyes moisten and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach and I am in those moments the epitome of sadness.
I've been scared. Fear is such a strong emotion. I'm pretty sure that sunk in next, or maybe even simultaneously. The fear does not come on suddenly. It lingers. It seems to stay tucked in deep inside. It never leaves, no matter what. It never goes away.
I've been emotional. UNBELIEVABLY full of emotions. Not necessarily the kind anyone (or at least me) wishes to have. I pride myself on living a simple life, devoid of all emotional drama. Now don't take that as devoid of all love or passion, I just prefer the simple version of those emotions. If emotions (the good kind) don't come easy, that in my book, means it's just not right. These emotions that I've have recently been acquainted to have made the independent chick that I have always been, very insecure.
Insecure about anything and everything. From making simple decisions to friendships and relationships. My world, my simple little world, that I love so much, has been ripped out from under me. All subconscious and conscious safety and security gone. On Tuesday, October 27th, all of that was taken with one phone call. My safety, my security, my ease. It left a shell of who I was sitting there. It stripped me of all that I knew. So, I guess, all things considered, it's understandable. It's not who I am or who I want to be...but understandable all the same.
I found that my mind was running all the time. There was constantly something that I was mulling over. From the day I was diagnosed, I have not stopped and been able to completely chill. To completely be me again. I've been distracted. Not by anyone or anything (other than my tumor) but everything that has had to be worked out, discussed, planned. It left me disgruntled and distant. I found myself being uber sensitive to everything and everyone else. I found myself wondering who this was because it simply wasn't me.
I didn't know how to get that back. In a lot of ways, I have discovered, I never really will. I will not ever live in my completely safe secure world again. I have been witness to the fragility of everything that I hold dear. In ways, that's a good thing. To never take things for granted, to be thankful for what you have, live everyday to the fullest, etc. But in other ways I have struggled to let go of this tumor named Egore, for even a moment and allow myself to be me, not crazy insecure me, just the crazy me :)
I really haven't ever been a traditional chick, I have seemed to always walk my own path and I have preferred it that way. In this trip, during the time I've had to give it some thought, I have realized, I don't want to be an extension of anyone or anything. I want to soar on my own in this life. With my love ones beside me, but I don't want to be carried. I don't want to fit into anybody's box (physically or metaphorically :) I have let go of a good portion of those insecurities and emotions that came with my brain tumor and have found me again. It feels good.
I've had fun. I went sightseeing on my time off from Dr.'s appointments. I did things the old me loved and in ways the old me finally merged with the new one. For hours at a time, my mind has not been running. I cannot change this tumor, named Egore. On November 30th they will try to remove as much as they can of it. But, the fact remains that there's a good chance part or all of it could be around for the rest of my life. It is a part of me now and I will always be battling him. But I am thankful to have the opportunity to LIVE with part or all of him. The other option, of not living, is simply unacceptable to me.
For the first time, I feel like maybe I have a leg up on this brain tumor, instead of it having me pinned down!
I have a brain tumor, and I'm learning to live with it!