Wednesday, November 25th 2009
For some reason, today, that fear that I talked so much about before, the one that never leaves, has crept back up to the surface. I tell myself that it is normal. Four days until surgery. I remind myself, nothing is normal anymore. I have a new normal that I have yet to settle into, one that I am rejecting as fiercely as I possibly can, with every fiber in my being. I am a brain tumor patient. I can say it now, but it still seems completely foreign. A figment of my nightmares. I could only wish to wake up tomorrow and realize that this has all been a bad dream. Unfortunately this is the reality that I've been dealt.
It's unreal in my mind that in just 4 days they will take off almost half of my skull off to dig out my brain tumor named Egore. I hate him, Egore, that is. I know it sounds strange but I have had a healthy amount of respect for this thing. I haven't wanted to harbor any hard or bad feelings, towards anything, not even the cause of my angst. I have changed my mind. I am allowing myself to hate him.
I hate it for making me face my own mortality. I fully intend to make a full and complete recovery from this thing but you can't help but contemplate the ugly alternative. I hate it for making me fear leaving my children when they are so very young. How would they fair without me? I don't want to miss their childhood. I relish in being a mother. It is my calling. It is my life.
As much as I fear, I am anxious. Anxious for it to be over. To be awake in recovery. To know that I made it through. Even more than that, to know I'm out of the woods. To hear the words, "it is not cancer, we're done, this is all we have to do". I long for that relief. To start my long haul to adjust to my new normal.
What amount of Egore will have to remain in my brain because of it's location? How dare it have the audacity to stay there! I keep having the horrible nightmares that I make it through but am somehow impaired. Sometimes physically, sometimes mentally, but impaired none the less. I have tried my best to push those awful images to the back of my mind. I'm not going to lie, those efforts are slowly getting harder and harder.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! How Thankful I am! Thankful for my tiny, itty bitty home that feels so comfortable. Thankful for my two beautiful, healthy children. Thankful for my family and the glorious support system they have provided. Thankful for the wonderful friends I have been fortunate enough to acquire over the years, especially those who have selflessly stepped up to the plate and not turned their head because this situation is both ugly and scary. Lord knows, if I could have run from it at times I would have :) I am not to the point that I can truthfully say I'm thankful for this situation, for Egore, and the opportunities it has given me but I can say I am thankful for awakening me and giving me a different and new outlook on life and what's really important to me. I am thankful for the perspective. For the ability to hug my children even harder, to rejoice in them. I'm thankful for the chance to wrong regrets, to right wrongs, and to decide what it is that I want to do with my life. I only pray that I'll be given the chance to act upon those chances.
I have a Brain Tumor...and I'm scared silly! :)