Saturday, November 14, 2009

From the Diary of a Brain Tumor Chick

Saturday, November 14th 2009

I'm heading back over to the Mayo Clinic tomorrow for a week of even more tests before the big surgery on the 30th. I am just about two weeks out from the surgery and there couldn't be more on my mind.

Recently, it's been on my children. I have full faith that everything with the surgery is going to be a success and that this will be my new beginning of a life without a brain tumor named Egore. Having said that, you just don't get diagnosed with a larger than golf ball size brain tumor without thinking about your own mortality, even just a little. If I were to be completely honest...a lot. The first thing that comes to mind are my children.

Knowing that after this whole thing is said and done, these diary entries will become a record for them, for me, of this adversity that has been forced upon us, forced on our world, there are certain things I want them to know.

In our busy everyday lives while we're running around trying to get everything done, have I taught them what needed to be taught? Have I been the example I want so much to be? Have they learned from me what they will need to have a GREAT life?

So this part is directed to them...My mother gave me a card when I got married written to a daughter from a mother. Recently I found the son from a mother card and fell in love with it. It's her words mixed with mine but I could not believe in it and mean it more for my boys.

Did I tell you?
Now that you are growing up I look at our life and ask myself, Did I tell you?
Did I tell you all that I meant to tell you all that I felt was important.
Did I tell you or was it lost in the shuffle of our everyday lives.
The busy full days when I taught and didn't know it.
What did I teach?
Was it strong?
Was it Good?
Will it root you in something real that will allow you to grow with a firm and sound foundation?
Did I tell you...
Did I tell to LOVE, not with a fair weather love, but with a love that accepts and cherishes unconditionally with no judgements.
Love not with a quick and passing love, but with a love that is a quiet peace within your heart.
When things go wrong, and they will, get back to the simple things, the peaceful things and find that peaceful love again.
Did I tell you to be thoughtful.
Not to be a martyr or doormat to be trod upon, but to be aware of other people and their needs.
To meet others with awareness and within your own framework be able to meet them halfway and on occasion go the other half joyfully.
Did I tell you to be courteous, not to display empty manners with no meaning but to live the courtesy born of caring.
And to express this caring through the small formalities and customs born of the years.
Did I tell you to be bold.
To be not afraid of the unknown, but to live life to the fullest, with no regrets and meet each new experience with joy and anticipation.
And did I tell you to be cautious.
To temper your daring and sense of adventure with good judgement and consideration.
Did I tell you to serve other people if only in a small way.
There is growth and satisfaction in being part of something larger than yourself and your life will be richer for knowing this.
Did I tell you to maintain a sense of the past.
To recall and uphold all that is best and meaningful in our country and in our society.
But never be afraid to speak out where you don't believe or where there is room for improvement.
Work for what you believe, but work in a positive way within a structure of order and reason.
Did I tell you to find a part of nature that speaks to you.
Then know intimately and well.
For some it is a mountain peak.
For some, like your mother, a windswept beach.
Find your own and in it find your restoration.
Did I tell you laugh, to dance, to sing.
There is a lot in life that is hard, but take it as it comes and find the good...and make time to dance.
Did I tell you to be creative, to explore the seed within you.
Find your creative spirit and let it grow.
And did I tell you the challenge of being a man
the challenge of balancing your worlds
the need to achieve and the need to nurture
the need to be strong and the need to be tender
the need to meet the tests that life brings yet always yet always keep love at the center
letting it be the star by which you set your sail.
Did I tell you these things as we went along the way?
If I did I am humbly grateful.
If I did not then you must choose for yourself.
If it has meaning accept it and make it your own.
If it does not, discard it.
Your life is yours, and yours alone, to build as you choose.
And did I tell you...
I hope with all my hope that it will be a good life.
I've read this so many times in the last few weeks. There's so many things I wish I had said or not said, did or did not do, or simply let go. So many things that I regret, that I feared, that were silly.
Life is such a journey, and if nothing else, I am so grateful for the opportunity to re look at mine and where I want it to go and who I want to be, if I'm blessed enough to survive live on. 
My story isn't over, my journey isn't finished. I will love harder and stronger than ever and who I love will know it. I will choose what's best for me and my world, with no outside opinions needed. I will not worry what others think and whether or not it's the most popular decision.
I will live my life to the fullest, no regrets, no holding back. This is a promise from the Brain Tumor Chick to her Brain Tumor Head and to her beautiful boys!
I have a brain tumor...but it so does not have me!


toripiercy said...

Francis, you are just amazing. I love you and you mean the world to me. You are so strong and I am truely in awe. Stay strong and Egore will have nothing on you!

The Webbs said...

Well I'm sitting here reading this at almost 3:00 a.m. the morning of Owen's baby blessing, crying my eyes out. One because I'm a mother and I can't imagine how you feel, and beacuse of the things that we want our children to know and have as they grow up. Two, because you're my sister and I love you so much and it just kills me inside for you to have to go through this. I know we all go through things for a reason, but I just can't bare for my sister to have to endure this and also to endure it with me 5 hours away. I won't ever be able to tell you have much I love you, or recount all the fun or funny things we've done. But egore better "get on" becaue we've got plenty more to have. I love you! Farris

Haleyuns said...

you should announce at the beginning of posts like this that we will need to grab our tissues or a beach towel!!

Good heavens, what a tear jerker. You are an amazing Mom to your boys and I look up to you (and Farris) for how to raise my kids.

I really really hate Egore the Brain Tumor. I also hate all the states between Texas and Florida. :) It's so hard being far away from you during this crappy time but these posts make it a little better. Your amazing.

Elodie said...

your story is far from over! you are being such an amazing example to not only your boys, but to all of us who know and love you. you are showing all of us such strength and grace. egore is no match for you!